Illusion jokes

My wife caught me touching myself to an optical illusion. And I said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like."

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...

Why did Daveon decide to become a magician? Because he wanted to make his problems "Daveon" disappear.

Dwarf: pulls down the flap for the mirror.

Also dwarf: can’t see.

Why did the rapper become a magician?

Because he wanted to drop some ILL-USIONS.

A Spanish magician is trying the disappearing trick. He counts "Uno, dos..." and leaves no trace.

I don't know, my friend did it.

What do you call a magic owl? Hoo-dini.

So a mom went to her kid and said, "If you pray to God, He will give you your sight back." So he did exactly that.

The next morning, the mom heard a scream, so she went to the kid's room and asked, "What's wrong?" The kid replied, "It didn't work!" The mom said, "April Fools!"

What do you call a magic car?

A flying carpet.

When I was little, I used to think that the people in cartoons were real people...until I turned 7. I realized that it was just people doing voices. Sad, isn't it?

When you mix a wizard, a rabbit, and a songwriter together, you get 24 carrot magic.

Why did the orphan cross the road?

He thought he saw his parents.

Oasis, am I right?

Me: "You wanna see my dad?"

Some kid: "Yeah?"

Me: "Close your eyes and he will appear."

Some kid: "He ain't appearing."

Me: "Sorry I thought he would appear for you. He won't appear for me."

*The kid laughs*

Moral: Not everything is supposed to be funny text if you notice what was really going on. 🙃

Went to see a psychic the other day.

I knocked on the door, and she said, "Who is it?"

So I turned around and left.

Putin's words paint a picture of his world as vast, but in reality, it is shrinking.

What is magic?

You walk into an area that has big asses on the wall, and they feel lifelike, so you put your dick into them, and you go on the opposite side of the wall, and women are naked through the wall.

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

A guy stuffed some cigarettes up his eyes thinking it would make him see colors.

The next day, he could see only one color... black.