Gas

Gas Jokes

Dad

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

  • 5
  • Chuck Norris

    One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

  • 0
  • Hitler

    The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.

  • 1
  • Woman

    An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.

    "I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."

    Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.

    The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.

    The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

    Turtle

    What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?

    He went to the Shell station.

    Mama

    Yo mama so dumb, she sold her car for gas money.

    Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.

  • 3
  • Yo mama

    Yo mama so stupid, she tried to take Snoop Dogg for a walk.

    Yo mama so stupid, she tried to put Vin Diesel in her gas tank.

    Yo mama so stupid, she tried to mop the floor with Taylor Swift.

    Yo mama so stupid, she tried to ring Kristen Bell.

    Yo mama so stupid, she tried to skim Dwayne Johnson across a lake.

    Laughing Gas

    My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

    So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

  • 0
  • Takeout

    Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes... rice-less!

    Fart

    So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

  • 3
  • Abortion

    Abortion clinics are kind of like NAZI gas chambers. Less people come out than go in.

    Fat

    Your mom is so fat that if she sits on top of a gas station, she will lower the prices.

    Helium

    I've just started a new business making people breathe in large amounts of helium. They all speak very highly of it.