Comparison jokes

What's the difference between eggs and you? Eggs get laid, you don't.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? Acne doesn't come on a 5-year-old's face.

I was gobsmacked when I encountered the Jacko special at a Bunnings sausage sizzle. A 40-year-old sausage on 7-year-old white bread.

Gary Glitter was imprisoned for inappropriate relations with preteens. Not to be outdone, Kelly Clarkson exclaimed, "Hold my Bud Light!" whilst grasping her 1-year-old daughter.

Friends are like penguins.

If you stab a penguin, they die.

I respect cancer more than I respect depression.

At least cancer has the balls to kill you himself.

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?

What did Hitler and Usain Bolt have in common?

They both finished the races.

Life is like a box of chocolates... It ends sooner for fat people.

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One screams when I peel its skin off.

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

What’s the difference between an apple and a depressed kid? The apple falls from the tree.

What is the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie? He doesn't walkie or talkie.

Yo mama like a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everybody’s pants.

What is the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?

Are you ready kids?

What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul? At least Hitler had respect for the Japanese!