Assault jokes

I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted.

I decided to go home.

What do you call getting assaulted by a gay man? Fruit punch.

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

G is for George smothered under a rug.

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.

J is for James who took lye by mistake.

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.

N is for Neville who died of ennui.

O is for Olive run through with an awl.

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.

R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.

S is for Susan who perished of fits.

T is for Titus who flew into bits.

U is for Una who slipped down a drain.

V is for Victor squashed under a train.

W is for Winnie embedded in ice.

X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.

Nothing much, I just decided to go home.

What did the man say when his girlfriend threw sodium and chloride at him?

That’s assault!

Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.

Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.

Today was a bittersweet day...

Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!

Ni tshike mbangi bcz ani zaha toilet, nikarhi Ni hlometela out side loko tiniba. Ni hlometela ndzeni ka poto.

What do you think of the Bill Cosby movie?

Netflix and alcohol.

How does a non-binary ninja kill someone?

They slash them.

Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.

A man attacked me with cheese and milk. How dairy!

Don't believe what your school bully tells you.

Always take it with a grain of assault.

What did the rape victim give to her rapist?

Head.

You know, I got attacked by a man with cheese and a bit of milk.

How dairy!

How can you tell when a female was raped? She crossed herself out.

What's the difference between a brand new Oldsmobile and a brand new Raping?

...Rape.

Why is rape, rape? Because she is too busy enjoying the moment to say yes.

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

Why did the policeman rape the woman? Because he thought rapists wouldn't be attracted to non-virgins.