Assault jokes

I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.

Nothing much, I just decided to go home.

What did the man say when his girlfriend threw sodium and chloride at him?

That’s assault!

What do you call getting assaulted by a gay man? Fruit punch.

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

G is for George smothered under a rug.

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.

J is for James who took lye by mistake.

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.

N is for Neville who died of ennui.

O is for Olive run through with an awl.

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.

R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.

S is for Susan who perished of fits.

T is for Titus who flew into bits.

U is for Una who slipped down a drain.

V is for Victor squashed under a train.

W is for Winnie embedded in ice.

X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

Today was a bittersweet day...

Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!

I just prevented an 11-year-old from getting assaulted.

I decided to go home.

How does a non-binary ninja kill someone?

They slash them.

Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.

Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.

Don't believe what your school bully tells you.

Always take it with a grain of assault.

How can you tell when a female was raped? She crossed herself out.

What did the rape victim give to her rapist?

Head.

I didn't know I raped her. I thought she wanted me to hurry up.

Why is rape, rape? Because she is too busy enjoying the moment to say yes.

How are abortion and rape different? At least the rape victim usually deserves it and isn't defenseless.

How do you kill time?

Easy! Taking alarm clock and an assault rifle.

What do you think of the Bill Cosby movie?

Netflix and alcohol.

Why did the rapist go after the mute? It would be a silent attack.

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Ever heard of rape jokes?

No?

Well, I'll MAKE you hear 'em!

A man attacked me with cheese and milk. How dairy!