A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
What do you call an emo strip club?
Suicidal Thots
What is an orphan's favorite beer?
"Fosters."
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking so he asked him "sir are you drunk?" The man responds "No sir i'm not drunk." So the Officer asks "how high are you?" And the man responds "no sir, its high how are you."
Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender? A: Nothing! He was hung over.
Why did the emo leave the bar?
Because it was happy hour.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!
Helen Keller walked into a bar. And a chair. And a table. And a wall.
What do you call a drunk depressed man that skydives?
Splattered.
Candy is dandy
But liqour is quicker.
How do computers get drunk
They take a screenshot
What’s Bin Laden’s favourite drink? Double Manhattan.
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila
Russian, American, and Polish stood by the lake shore.
Russian ran ahead to dive and yelled "vodka" and the lake changed into vodka.
Polish ran ahead to dive and yelled "beer" and the lake changed into beer.
American ran to dive,slipped,and said, "oh shit".
Man looks at his friend and says "if you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt would you tell anyone? " The friend says im a disgusted tone "No" So the man says "ok let's go camping"
I finally stopped drinking for good
Now I purely drink for evil
A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey Jim!"
What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?
A Double Manhattan.
A drunk walks into and says, "All lawyers are a$$holes!" A guy at the other end of the bar says, "I resent that!" The drunk says, "Why, are you a lawyer?" and the other guy says, "No, I'm an a$$hole!"
