My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball? Because no one misses them.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.
1 like = 1 more child in my blender
A man gats kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon" next to all of the chalk outlines
Suicide is never the answer Suicide is the question The answer is yes
i got kicked out of the hospital cause i told all the Covid-19 patents to stay positive.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
So sad when the emo kid tried to give a high five to a tree
To bad he left him hanging
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children
What game does an emo hate the most?
Cut the Rope
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
What type of cookie has an orphan never had? Homemade cookies.
