There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!”
Wade ツ
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says: 'Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up.' Man bursts into tears, says 'But doctor... I am Pagliacci.'
When and where was the biggest BBQ ever? Hiroshima, Japan 1946
A guy is bankrupt so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says I'll fuck you for $10. The boy says “I would but I don't have any money.” She says “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok so they go up stairs and fuck. The prostitute says “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says well I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
What do you call a Iraqi swimming in the water?
A bath bomb.
Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.
What’s the difference between life and a rape joke? Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it’s not funny anymore.
What do you call four black people in a sleeping bag? A Kit Kat.
The gayest person on Earth is Pac-Man. You can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.
Why can’t orphans go on school trips? They need a parent signature.
Doctor: "What's your zodiac sign?"
Patient: "Cancer?"
Doctor: "What a coincidence."
People claim that Trump has Russian ties. That’s not true, just some crazy conspiracy theorists. All of Trump's ties are made in China.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting
There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said “Well, you’re fucked now.”
What has 50 legs but cant walk?
25 disabled kids
What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
Sum Ting Wong.
I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid, they were still breathing so I told them to walk it off.
School shooting : *Happens* Foreign Exchange Student: *Starts sobbing under desk* American Student: "First time?"
