Newest Wish Jokes - Page 2 - Worst Jokes Ever

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer. Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer then someone would kill me.

There are 206 bones in the human body, but I’d really like to have 207.

I was watching the condring with a emo person she said she likes the part where the girl was hanging I said why because you wish it were you?

are you a gravestone? because i really wish you're on top of me right now!

Who I wish I was

I wish you were a soap. Because I want you all over me

So this is how I got divorced. On my birthday my boss, who was a hot sexy woman who I have always had an eye on her huge ass and tits, wished me happy birthday and took me to her house. She went into the shower and came out dressed and this made me disappointed. But then she stripped off and made my dick go into her pussy and before I could realize I heard her main door creak. And in came my wife, mum and my 2 kids 8 years old and 12 years old. Although my wife joined in she was mad after since that was not my wife, that was my wife's twin sister. Do not know why woman these days are like this!!!!!!!!!!

What does a orphan wish they could do?

Wish happy Mothers Day and Father's Day

wanna know something the orphan could never do

wish anyone a happy Mother’s Day or Father’s Day

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me." "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds? Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal. I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The wedding ring. What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird. "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's." A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again." How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls. If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang. A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ. What do tofu and dildos have in common? They are both meat substitutes. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil. What does a perverted frog say? "Rubbit." What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus. How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning. An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them." Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off. Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you. What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead. How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year. What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off. What did the leper say to the sex worker? "Keep the tip." What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam. What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets. What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers. What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas. Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream." What did one butt cheek say to the other? "Together, we can stop this crap." A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator.

Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love Man: I wish not to die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her. "Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fullfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

31. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

32. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. "See that over there? What is that?", says the first crow. The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it." "How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?", replies the first crow. "Look at it's hand. No cellphone", says the second crow.

33. Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. “I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. “I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends him back home. “I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here."

34. A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” “I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

35. After Sunday church, the priest would hand us each an orange and a big cookie. A little girl once lied and took two oranges, but the priest told her she mustn't lie because God is watching. Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges.

36. I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder."