A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...
His wife was up waiting for him...
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled
He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
a little boy decided to burn a house down. the father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "thats arson"
When you find out your wife had a miscarriage
So you start singing it’s the best day ever
random Couple after their first night : Husband: it was very tasty.🥵 wife: aww thanks. Hus: does anyone had taste it before? wife:☠️
My wife asked me to please quit singing Wonderwall in the shower
I said maybe.
Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back? Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked. “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?” He replied, “Yes I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.
EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WebMD: Cancer.
I was outside digging a six foot hole, when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
Said the man angered to his wife: Now stopp the dann suicide trys! Just look at the gasbill!?
Q: How many men does it take to open up a beer? A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
A wife says to her husband 'you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back' 'what do you expect' he says 'you're in a fucking wheelchair'
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erect*on?” Wife: “ok... what is it?” Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now”.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again. Husband: Wait dear.. Don’t do it for the sake of our kid! Wife: Kid? Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
Roses are red Violets are blue Your wife needs Jon grudon too.
