My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
if being sexy were a crime you better lock me up. not because I'm sexy but because I have 5 dead children in my basement
What's the most embarrassing thing about locking your keys in the care outside a pregnancy care center? A. Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger.
A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress.
The Canadian goes: "I have tried everything, I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked."
The American agrees: "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get and yet he won't speak!".
The Mexican confirms: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out: "You lying motherfucker!".
Yesterday, I was on a reality TV show where they locked me up with all those smelly monkeys from the Leger Zoo. It was complete madness.
Nothing makes a guy happier than when his girlfriend says “Go and lock the door first...”
What's the difference between orphans and girlfriends? I don't have 100 girlfriends locked in my basement.
What do you call a virgin kid locked in a room with a pedophile? Past tense.
I heard that the numbers on the front of your credit card represent the number of minutes until you meet the 💕 love of your life!💕 and the 3 numbers on the back represent the month and day you make it official!! comment those numbers to lock it in!!😄
Knock Knock, who's there? god. god who? NO you idiot there is no god, I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!
Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in the grocery store and starved to death.
Why did the polack locked himself out of his car? Because his keys were inside of the ignition
What has 148 teeth and🥴🥴 holding back a monster? My zipper.
