Attempt Jokes

I was laughing my ass off when the 12 year old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival 🤣🤣🤣

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.r> The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church "

btw friend here also wants to do suicide

friend:why did i cross the road??? me:to get to the other side. friend:true!

friend:hey lets go hang out at the forest today! me:ok *grabs ropes for the both of us and rushes outside bc this is a lucky day* friend:hey atleast we did it!

friend:whats the best thing about me? me:you will eventually end. friend:hmmmmmm . . . true!

friend:what historical time influenced you the most? me:the great depression

if i could be an object id be glass because im see through and i can shatter with the minimum difficulty immediately!

my parents sometimes say im their sunshine! . . . because im painful if you look at me.

teacher:what does km/s mean? me+like almost all of the class:*in unison* it means kill myself but misspelled

friend:whats the best way to end a game? me:with death friend: . . . hmmm now that you think about it yeah! thats the best way!

when your about to jump down a cliff but you realize that you cant litter there

google says that your about 75% water but im make of 101% depression 101% anxiety 101% suicidal 101% stress

brain be like will_to_live.exe, happiness.exe, and many more others not found also you have now got crippling_depression.exe, anxiety.exe, suicide_thoughts.exe, suicide_attempts, and stressful_life.exe so so so much many more

how do you keep weeds away? just put a bucket of crippling depression and suicidal thought and attempts in the soil and then they just kill themselves. problem solved.

when you take antidepressants but they dont work it will just make you more depressed and thats a fact

a bored depressed suicidal person:*sees a dying person* dying person:p-l-pls c-c-c-call m-me a-an amb-b-bulancccee *wheeze* *dies* bored depressed suicidal person:hmmmm ur an ambulance dying person:*manages to get back up* bored depressed suicidal person:oooooohh goddddd dying person:*in a demonic tone* BUT NOT FOR ME~

roses are red inside im dead i have crippling depression some one pls shoot my head

when you finally open up to a person who you think will care and understand but it turns out that they dont you:*panickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanicking*

the only time you should lift your spirits up is when your gonna hang yourself

a made up story starting now so i went to school as usual theres a school shooting all the depressed suicidal people:*crave death* *walks up to shooter* all say KILL ME a made up story starting ending

in this one the friend isnt suicidal friend:wanna play a game? me:life wait no a game has a meaning friend: . . . *crickets* friend:calls suicide hotline me:wait no!!!!!

me:*has crippling depression* *asks mom why i was born* mom:hmmm i think i was drunk and on a lotta drugs me:hmmm tysm *gets the rope* mom:*making hanging puns* me:*hurries to the trash truck*

me:at this point ive lived about a decade depressed and suicidal that i dont struggle with it now, im good at it and its all normal

hope you enjoyed

If at first you don't succeed, CHEAT.

If at first you don't succeed, oh well, so much for skydiving.

Once I almost died ill give it another shot out of the gun to finish my job

What does a depressed person and a chicken have in common? They both try to fly.

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

„You’re not going to have time to finish this,“ the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet. „Yes I will,“ replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

„No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.“ The student looked incredulous and angry. „Do you know who I am?“

„No, as a matter of fact I don’t,“ replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. „Do you know who I am?“ the student asked again. „No, and I don’t care,“ replied the professor with an air of superiority. „Good,“ replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

4 kids at my school tried suicide and failed they are now known as the suicide squad

Your mama is such a hoe! It took her 4 attempts to pass her driving test. She couldn't get used to the front seat.

I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth, it's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet

being asked for advice: after a failed suicide attempt what advice do you have for people out there as a suicide professional don,t try this at home

A depressed kid didn't succeed at suicide and said " I'm a failure at suicide too.".